Thursday, February 18, 2010

G6's Guide to Guests

Which guest are you? (please don't tell me I'm sexist. These labels apply to both men and women and I tried for a fair distribution....)

1) Mr. Filofax: He calls on on Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan for a meal invitation on Tu B'shvat. He dutifully marks it down in his appointment book but you won't and you'll totally forget about him until the Thursday night before.

2) Mr. "Hayom Yom What L'Shabbos?!?": He's the guy who emails around midnight on Thursday night asking for a meal invitation and after you tell him that he can come, he'll tell you that he's got three friends sleeping in his apartment this week that need a meal too. He might then cancel Friday morning because one of his friends invited him to go skiing at the last minute.

3) The Shopper: This guest will receive an invitation from you and ask if she can "get back to you". She will wait until the end of the week to decide which of the three invitations she has received over the next several days is the "best one" and accept that one.

4) The Educated Shopper: She'll ask you outright "Who else is invited?". If she doesn't like the rest of the guest list, she'll likely tell you she's "busy" that week. The Pushy Educated Shopper will tell you who else you should invite along with her.

5) The Powder Room Pair: They only accept invitations as a couple. They are the same sex.

6) Veggie Heaven: The lacto-ovo-vegetarian who won't mention this critical piece of information until he calls Friday morning for your address. He casually says that he's "sure it's not a problem....".

7) "O.A. is an Allergy" Girl: She's on the Overeaters Anonymous program. She won't want to mention this so she'll tell you that she is allergic to wheat, sugar and eggs. She'll bring her own spelt challahs and ask you for the ingredients in every dish at the table.

8) The Wandering Jew: He's the guy who gets up in the middle of the main course and starts scanning the bookcases. He'll find a volume of interest and have a seat on the couch. His plate will still be piled high. If you begin clearing the course, he'll tell you that he's not done eating yet. He often sings to himself during table conversation.

9) The Hungry Anorexic: Self explanatory... She will take the LARGEST serving of everything on the menu, proceed to cut it all up into tiny pieces and eat one bite of everything. She will help you clear the table and pronounce as you are scraping the hefty contents of her plate into the garbage that "Everything was delicious". Zemiros will be extra long that week, as she will spend a protracted amount of time in the ladies room.

10) Mr. "My Momma Raised Me Right!": He'll compliment every dish as it arrives at the table. He'll take doubles of the burnt rice because nobody else touched it. He'll send a beautiful thank you note after Shabbos.


All you hosts and hostesses out there - feel free to add your own!





25 comments:

tesyaa said...

This is hilarious. A classic! Definitely should be guest posted on Frum Satire.

The best guest story we heard involved a friend who brought HIS friend to his parents' house for Shabbos. When he left he thanked our friend's mother profusely and she said, "It was lovely having you. Any time!" Several weeks later he showed up on her doorstep Friday afternoon with his overnight bag. She invited him in, confused, hosted him for Shabbos, and when she let it slip that she didn't remember making arrangements for that Shabbos, he said: "No, I didn't call, but Mrs. R, you said, ANY TIME!"

HSaboMilner said...

we had someone who would just show up Friday night for a meal without calling. We always had enough food and our door was always open. But it would be nice to know how many to set the table for. We asked him repeatedly to let us know by Fri noon if he was coming, but he preferred to just show up.


definitely a Frum Satire piece.

efrex said...

The Wandering Jew: He's the guy who gets up in the middle of the main course and starts scanning the bookcases. He'll find a volume of interest and have a seat on the couch. His plate will still be piled high. If you begin clearing the course, he'll tell you that he's not done eating yet. He often sings to himself during table conversation.

Hey! Let the record show that:

1) I've never waited until the main course to scan the bookcases/music collection, but perform that activity at its properly alloted time (2 seconds after "Good Shabbos" and being welcomed in).

2) I would not abandon the table to read on the couch (spending too much time in the "reading room" when there's good material left there is another story)

3) If I sing during table conversation, it's because somebody said something that makes me think of a showtune (which really doesn't take a whole lot to begin with)

G6 said...

rotfl efrex -
You actually were not the inspiration for this character, but hey, "if the shoe fits"...... ;)

Hasya Ya'ara said...

Why does this all sound like so many real people that I know?

People are funny.

Staying Afloat said...

The Wandering Jew sounds like he might have ADD. Really. Or you have really interesting bookcases.

What about the guests who don't tell you their allergies until they get there, even though you asked, and then can't eat half of what you made? When you ask why they didn't tell you, they say, "Oh, I didn't want to trouble you." But all they can have is the rice, and you could have easily not made the apricot chicken and left the mango out of the salad, and you end up going into the kitchen to find something they can have.

Shosh said...

hysterical!

G6 said...

Hasya - They sound like real people because they are ;)

Staying Afloat - Both actually. (I must say we *do* have very interesting bookcases....)

And yes, you are so right. Why do guests think they are "not inconveniencing" you when they DON'T tell you their food requirements, only to have you find out in the end anyway and make you uncomfortable for being ill prepared.

OH! And I forgot the best guest of all!!! (I should really post this as an update):
11) The guest who eventually becomes your SON-IN-LAW.

Mrs. S. said...

How about the Premature Clearer*? You still have food on your plate, and besides, you were hoping to catch a few zemirot before moving on to the next course. But the Premature Clearer is already busy scraping, stacking, and clearing, and so, sheepishly, you get up and start serving the next course...
:-)

Shabbat Shalom!
* Any resemblance to actual guests is purely coincidental... :-)

ProfK said...

Lol, we must have a shared guest list 'cuz I'll swear some of yours have been to my home.

I'd like to add one more guest to the list--the restaurant critic. This is the one who tastes a dish and blithely announces that it is good but it would be even better if I added X,Y or Z or took out Q. This is the one that tastes a dish and announces "You really should get Sarah X's recipe for this.Hers is the best!" This is the one that announces "My mother never makes/made it this way." Don't make the mistake of trying to take the offending food away however. This guest is very busy cleaning his/her plate even as they are critiquing.

Anonymous said...

You are a good woman. Personally, I have no patience for the shoppers; they do not receive future invitations. Mr. Filofax, on the other hand, sounds like a good yecke.

G6 said...

Mrs. S. -
That's a good one.
In my house it's also the Insistent Stacker, since I have this little "issue" with stacking, and if I tell my guest that I'd prefer NOT to, and they do it anyway (with or without the commentary and pseudo-witticisms {"oh, don't you wash the backs of plates?"}), it's a bit irritating.

Anonymous said...

Ha HA!! "O.A. is an allergy"!!!
I actually had a guest like that once and told me she was on a special diet...no ketchup, vinegar,tomato sauce (I forgot what else) and she is a size -12 (had to find out from someone else that she was just on a diet)...sick

jayny said...

I fail to see the humor here, they all sound like they were raised in a barn or by phillistines and have zero manners or common sense (except for the last guy)

harry-er than them all said...

I'll keep this in mind for the next time I want a meal. That time I came, I actually was thinking of canceling, but then recalled how much you dislike it. Its a good thing I stayed cause it was enjoyable

Anonymous said...

And then there are those guests who wish to relax on Shabbat rather than feel like they are being put under the microscope. Not wishing to feel pressured to be on their best behavior in front of strangers on their only day off during the week, and fearing the possibility of being talked or written about, these guests prefer solitude to scrutiny, and stay home.

NYC Girl said...

The Incessant Talker

He monopolizes the conversation with his dragged out stories and gets insulted if you don't pay attention. He starts to eat as soon as you begin clearing the table. (also happens to be a vegetarian...)

Jughead's Hat said...

The "I Hate to Eat and Runner"

He will come in hopeful anticipation of leaving within two hours in order to get in a solid three hours of sleep. If the meal drags on, he might bentch to himself, often giving the excuse that he has work or needs to drive to far off places that night. He usually brings the meal to a premature halt.

Michaltastik said...

OMG, these people are horrible and us converts or those who are in the process can't get hosts who will treat us right. Invite me, I'm a great guest. I can't really write one for hosts because they are all one of two categories, nice or attack us at the meal-like the guy who told my black friend blacks are tumah... and he asked me where my parents are buried.

Michaltastik said...

Oh, and can I come for Tu Bshvat?

G6 said...

Michaltastik -

Though Tu B'shvat has passed, the door is always open. And we've been "convert tested and approved" by the Good Housekeeping institute ;)

Anonymous said...

im like 6 of those guests...oopa.brad

YW said...

I was planning on taking my one Shabbos a year away from the Heights this Shabbos, so I reserved a while back like guest number one, but unfortunately they had a fire so they "cancelled" on us, even though this violates the Host Guest guidelines, this is a unique case and we will give them a pass.

YW said...

I am very happy not to leave for Shabbos because Michael is giving the Mikro lecture, the last two years he gave in on Parshas Beshalach so I figured he will give it again then but i see he is giving it this week.

YW said...

It looks like we are going away this Shabbos so if you or husband don't see me don't get concerned I'm alright I'm just going to deal with my separation anxiety I think I could overcome it for one Shabbos.