This post got me thinking.....
The Rebbetzin's Husband posted about the challenges of parenting children among the dangers of today's independent communication.
It got me wondering about our responsibilities as "a village" to help deal with today's challenges.
(Don't try to figure out the origin of these stories please. They may or may not be personal anecdotes.)
1. Your child informs you that his friend brings his iPod, which he received as a Bar Mitzvah present, to school each day. He is receiving content from other children that is not consistent with the values in his home. His parents are obviously clueless. If it was your child, you would want to be informed. Yet, calling a parent to advise them of this could easily be interpreted as meddling.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
2. Your child mentions in passing that a particular guest is coming to their home for Shabbos. "Good luck!", his young friend retorts. "She's weird." He then proceeds to offer up scandalous gossip about this upcoming guest - information not even fitting for a child of such a young age to be aware of. One wonders if the parents of said child might want to be reminded that their child is listening in on what are hopefully private conversations between adults in the home and then repeating them. Such a conversation could be uncomfortable.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
P.S. For those of you who are interested, fascinating comments continue to come in on my Adaptive Obsolescence post. If it is of interest to you, go check them out......
10 comments:
My 9th grade son has an Ipod. They are banned in his yeshiva. He wouldn't dare bring it there. You could suggest that to the school administration. They are also only allowed to have kosher cell phones. Don't know if that's available outside of Israel.
Debbie -
Thanks for weighing in, but the story assumes that iPods ARE in fact banned from the Yeshiva.
The question is whether or not to discuss "one parent to another" what you know....
these are such tough questions. and these questions are the reason i want to freeze time and not let my kids get any bigger! im very, very nervous about what i will be facing in the years to come. and these days, its not unusual for these types of issues to start WAY before high school.
Hmm, I didn't read that anywhere, so I couldn't assume it. So, to answer the question. Unless I could see that it is affecting my son, or that he is participating, I would not meddle. If I were the other parent, I would not want them meddling.
Debbie -
Sorry if I wasn't clear.
The issue is definitely, as you say, not wanting the parent to see your intervention as meddling.
Sometimes I wonder if it doesn't depend on the parent. I must tell you that many years ago, a friend called me to advise me about something one of my children had done at school that I never would have known about. After I got over my embarrassment, I was very grateful for the opportunity to address with my child an issue that would have otherwise gone by the wayside.
This is definitely a tough question. Inaction is an action in and of itself though.....
Is the friend in the second anecdote over Bar Mitzvah yet? I didn't know that one may receive a Kabbolas Shchitoh on human beings and that it may be performed by a Koton!
In neither case would I contact the parents. In the first case I would immediately notify the school that student X is in violation of the school's rule on Ipods and that other students are seeing him use the Ipod. I'd remind the school that since other students have seen the IPod use, should the school not take action many more students will begin bringing the IPods to school, since they see that there is no real muscle behind the school rule. I would suggest to the school that it needs to monitor its students more closely and that it might want to let parents know that it is possible that material coming in on the IPod may contravene what the parents want the children to be exposed to.
In the second case it's my child whom I would speak to, carefully but clearly pointing out that listening to such speech is not what you want for her, that it is indulging in loshon ho'rah or possibly motzi shem rah, that the other child who spoke may not be reporting her second-hand ideas correctly or may have ulterior motives in so speaking, and that in your house personal comments of that type should not be made.
In my experience, very few parents react well to having other parents "tattle" about something their children may be doing.
Thanks for linking.
In both cases I would be inclined to get involved with the parents on some subtle level, but I'm not sure whether that's me as a parent or me as a former pulpit rabbi...
I once had to call the mother of my daughter's friend because she was exhibiting anorexic behavior. Her friends were concerned, and they needed an adult to make the call. The mother refused to believe what I was telling her, and did not appreciate the call.
I think, for the most part, parents do not take tattling emails well. The first, I'd have the school take care of. And the second, I'd leave alone. But I agree with ProfK. I'd talk to my kid.
I meant phone calls, not emails.
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